Err!

(Josh playing with his new cameras (yes plural), but this picture was not shot with a new one. I think I look angry)

I wouldn't describe myself as an angry person. You know who I am talking about, the girl who always seems to be mad at something. I have never thought of myself as that person. Well I learned something about myself this week. Sunday I was told to put off anger. This made me realize just how much anger I harbored in my heart. Not an easy thing to do. I realized how not so slow to anger I really am. While working at this challenge I decided the easiest way for me to not be angry was to just not have an emotional response to anything. Anything that made me angry, I would push out of my mind. With the situation we are in lots of things are making me angry. I know what you're thinking, it wasn't a healthy idea (If I actually do become a counselor, don't tell any of my counselees about this post). But starting Sunday night, I forced myself to not respond to anything that would anger me. Now there are some people out there, bless their hearts, who are conflict avoiders. I am not one of them. This afternoon when I finally got a few minutes of alone time with Josh, I let it out (by the grace of God, there were no few firm tones in my voice). I couldn't even last three days! Nothing that angered me in the last few days went away just because I refused to deal with it. So now I have to learn how to really deal with my anger in a God glorifying way.

That's all?

I just got done taking my first online quiz. It was over 12 Bible verses. I have been working for the past three weeks at memorizing these verses word for word. If made sure the I had the correct tense of a verbs and concentrated on subject-verb agreement. Basically I had every letter perfect!

Josh sat beside me to ensure I wouldn't cheat.

I logged on to the website and started with a little nervousness in my stomach.

Once the page loaded all the verses I memorized were on the page written word for word. All I had to do was match them with the correct passage. WHAT? THAT'S IT? Now don't get me wrong, I think that only positive will follow memorizing Bible verses but I was a little disappointed. After less than a minute I had double checked my answers and submitted my quiz. The results were instant and yes I did get 100% I was pretty disappointed that it wasn't harder

Josh told me that the reason I was upset was because I am actually good at memorizing things so this area that I excel in wasn't tested being tested thoroughly. Well shucks.

Bhutan

Before Josh and I left Bhutan I wondered if I would miss it. After six weeks in Turkey, I knew I would miss it. After six weeks in China, I knew I would miss it. And I did/do long to return to both countries. But Bhutan was different. I struggled there, and was in a constant state of worry. At night I would lie awake overwhelmed with fear. I loved nights that Josh would let me fall asleep to the TV rather than the thoughts in my head. Eventually I learned to pray through my anxiety.

It has been four months since I said goodbye to the place my heart never called home.

When I was there I volunteered my time at a school about five minutes from our house. There was an expat named Liz teaching 3rd and 4th graders and I met her through the golf coach that was there when Josh and I got there. She welcomed an extra body in the classroom. Since the school year ended in December she came back to the US the same time we did. Recently I learned that she was going to go back to Bhutan to open a preschool. As I read her blog posts I wonder if we were actually in the same country. She speaks of how friendly the people are and how beautiful the culture is. Seriously where is she? Liz is not the only one either; it seems like everyone who has ever traveled to Bhutan absolutely loves it. Quite frankly, I was jealous of her experience for a long time.

Josh and I have had Bhutanese people on our hearts since before we were married. On several occasions I had asked Josh if he could go anywhere in the world, where would it be. His response was always Bhutan. Because it is so difficult to get into the country I never saw this as an option. When the opportunity to go came our way, we couldn’t say no. This was God letting us serve Him in Bhutan, and I still believe that is true.

So why didn’t Iove it? Why after praying for the people for years do I have such a negative view of the country? Why couldn’t I have experience what Liz did? After wrestling with these questions over the past four months, I think I have my answer. Bhutan has a very rich culture. But almost everything about the culture is Buddhist.

The paintings, the music, the decorations, the architecture, it is all tied to Buddhism. If I fell in love with Bhutanese culture, it would be equivalent to falling in love with a Buddhist culture. And Buddhism is just so ugly!

You couldn't look at creation without seeing the enemy.

My heart still breaks for the people of Bhutan.

They are so blinded by evil that they cannot see Truth. The lies of Buddhism keep the mask over their faces so they cannot see the Glory of God. I am still praying for the country, but I don’t want to go back.

A Poem not by me.

I read this poem written by John Piper to Josh recently.

But when I called to you that night,
And said, “Noël, I think I might
Just sell the house and car and go
To some far distant land to sow
The gospel where no one has gone
And make the light of Jesus dawn,”
Your voice unwavering came back,
And said, “Just tell me when to pack.”

This short conversation followed:

Me: I don't think I could respond like that.

Josh: But you did.

Me: Let me clarify. I don't think I could respond like that again.

5-6 marks the spot

Today is May 6, 2010. Why is this date significant? Exactly one year ago today Josh was let go from Pebble Beach. This past year has been full of challenges and learning. I read today in Hebrews 5:8 that Jesus learned obedience from what he suffered. I am confident I have learned a lot through this suffering year and I know God is using it to make me more like Jesus. During the first months of transition, I struggled to understand how to be "sorrowful, but always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10), really I think I struggled with that up until a few weeks ago.

Recently one of my assigned books to read and write about was Idols of the Heart By Elyse Fitzpatrick. Through reading this book I have been able to see what I was worshiping that kept me from rejoicing. I learned that my anxieties so obviously showed I did not trust that God was good. I have had to just believe Romans 8:28, "that God works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purposes." What a relief that this whole year has been a part of God's perfect plan for my life.

In the words of John Newton "If it were possible for me to alter any part of His plan, I could only spoil it"

This past year has definitely been full of adventure.

Reluctant Adventurer

(here is a picture of me on an adventure, hiking to a Buddhist monastery built on the face of a cliff. okay so really I am taking a break at the half way point and was not paying attention when this cow wanted to be friendly)

I changed the name of my blog. It was “1 mile to the pacific,” but it has been a long time since I’ve been that close to the ocean. I have told Josh many times that I am not an adventurous person, and he completely agrees. You may be thinking “but Cassie you moved to Bhutan for crying out loud.” While that is true, I dreaded going there in my heart. Whenever I think about adventure I picture someone pulling me with a rope and my heals are leaving ruts because they are so firmly planted on the ground. I am not sure exactly what I fear. In extreme circumstances it is death, or the death of someone I love. Sometimes it is awkwardness, or uncomfortably. So the new name is “Reluctant Adventurer.” Hopefully through this blog I can communicate how these adventures I don’t desire mold me to become a more like Jesus.