Homeless Homebody

I used to long for a house. I love HGTV and any show about buying or selling a house. I wanted to put my own touches on a place, and really see what my design style is. I was tired of throwing away money on rent each month.

Now, I long for a home. A place to call my own. The past four months have been bearable by the grace of God.

I am about at my limit though. Mostly I want comfort. I want to be in one place for more than four days. I am tired of carrying my clear plastic tubs to and from the car. In the past 9 months I have slept in 39 different beds. Last week I walked outside to the jeep to get clean underwear twice! As I typed that I realized that I left all of my underwear at the house I was at last night. Oops. Well I guess I will be at the store early tomorrow.

This week I have been gloomy, crabby, and just plain mean (no I am not PMSing). Josh and I have been married for almost five years and this is the hardest I have ever worked fighting for a healthy relationship (And I am not succeeding). I am selfish and give in to my desire to blame Josh for everything. Sometimes I wonder if I can put on my happy face.

story of a picture

Let me describe for you this picture.

This is me enjoying a torta. For those of you who have never heard of a torta, it is a mexican sandwich. Basically hamburger bun with mexican filling. It doesn't sound great, but the few I have had have been pretty tasty. We had these for the first time at my all time favorite mexican restaurant. It was really more of a burrito joint in Seaside, but they specialized in tortas. Since we were back in California I knew that I wanted to eat Mexican, even though it is not my favorite. We ended up at this place, and to be honest with you, I don't even remember the name. Back to the picture.

You will notice that I am eating out of a white styrofoam to go box, but yet we are sitting in the restaurant. This fact has to do with the next. If you look at my left hand, you will see that I only have a wedding band and not my engagement ring. This is because right before we got our lunch, I looked down at my hand and noticed that my diamond was not in my ring. I instinctually tried to covered it up so that Josh would not notice. I was unsuccessful. I don't know why I didn't want him to see. I guess I thought he would blame me. After a minor freak out by me, and a husband trying to keep his wife calm, I started emptying my purse. I guess I just thought it would have magically jumped into my purse??? Then our plates came. Josh decided that we needed to be free to leave if necessary and asked to put them in to go boxes. I continued looking around and Josh went up to pay. At this point I am trying to remember how much our renters insurance deductible is, and really hoping that I sprung for the $250 over $500. Then as Josh returns to the table, my diamond is laying on the floor by the table. Whew! The waiter returned with our white boxes and we told him we would be staying there after all.

The food was good, and although you can't tell in the above picture, I have the sauce al over my face. Josh thought it was funny so he decided to capture it on film uh, i mean SD card.

Thoughts on Prayer

Recently I have been thinking a lot about prayer.

You see a few weeks ago I prayed really hard for something. Maybe more than I have ever prayed about anything. Something was on my heart and caused anxiety so I let that lead me to prayer.

Many people in my life were also praying for something.

I thought "I don't know what I will do if i don't get this something" Really I was asking how my heart would respond. (By heart I am talking about a comprehensive heart = mind, affections, and will.) I wanted my heart to praise the Lord.

Soon my prayers turned from "Lord I want something" to "Lord let me praise you even if I don't get something, but I want something"

I was taking very literally part of Philippians 4:6 by letting my requests be made known to God.

As it was looking more and more like I was not going to get this something I started to question/doubt the power of prayer. This led me to wrestle with the purpose of prayer.

At this point I have not made it to a biblical systematic evaluation how a lot of prayer effects getting what I pray for. I realized that through my desire for something, people in my lifer were encouraged to enter into an intimate communication with God. Something/anything is not nearly as great as this delightful privilege. It hit me hard realizing that I think prayer is mostly about me and not as much about the glory of God.

For the past year I have been really encouraged by Philippians 4, but now I am seeing it differently. Paul is not saying to pray so that God gives us what we want, but to pray in response to anxiety. With prayer, anxiety is unnecessary.

Well I didn't get this something. I don't know if the true response of my heart was praise. My heart is thankful for what I am learning through it, but my mind is still trying to communicate with my emotions that this is not God's best for us, so I shouldn't want it.

One positive note, I got an almost free vacation to palm springs that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

Sunny Palm Springs

Really we are in Palm Desert. It is just a little south and east of Palm Springs, but just as lovely.

The plan for the day includes sun and pool and books. I brought two books for school that I will finish.

If you need me today, this is where I'll be.