Homeless Homebody

I used to long for a house. I love HGTV and any show about buying or selling a house. I wanted to put my own touches on a place, and really see what my design style is. I was tired of throwing away money on rent each month.

Now, I long for a home. A place to call my own. The past four months have been bearable by the grace of God.

I am about at my limit though. Mostly I want comfort. I want to be in one place for more than four days. I am tired of carrying my clear plastic tubs to and from the car. In the past 9 months I have slept in 39 different beds. Last week I walked outside to the jeep to get clean underwear twice! As I typed that I realized that I left all of my underwear at the house I was at last night. Oops. Well I guess I will be at the store early tomorrow.

This week I have been gloomy, crabby, and just plain mean (no I am not PMSing). Josh and I have been married for almost five years and this is the hardest I have ever worked fighting for a healthy relationship (And I am not succeeding). I am selfish and give in to my desire to blame Josh for everything. Sometimes I wonder if I can put on my happy face.

story of a picture

Let me describe for you this picture.

This is me enjoying a torta. For those of you who have never heard of a torta, it is a mexican sandwich. Basically hamburger bun with mexican filling. It doesn't sound great, but the few I have had have been pretty tasty. We had these for the first time at my all time favorite mexican restaurant. It was really more of a burrito joint in Seaside, but they specialized in tortas. Since we were back in California I knew that I wanted to eat Mexican, even though it is not my favorite. We ended up at this place, and to be honest with you, I don't even remember the name. Back to the picture.

You will notice that I am eating out of a white styrofoam to go box, but yet we are sitting in the restaurant. This fact has to do with the next. If you look at my left hand, you will see that I only have a wedding band and not my engagement ring. This is because right before we got our lunch, I looked down at my hand and noticed that my diamond was not in my ring. I instinctually tried to covered it up so that Josh would not notice. I was unsuccessful. I don't know why I didn't want him to see. I guess I thought he would blame me. After a minor freak out by me, and a husband trying to keep his wife calm, I started emptying my purse. I guess I just thought it would have magically jumped into my purse??? Then our plates came. Josh decided that we needed to be free to leave if necessary and asked to put them in to go boxes. I continued looking around and Josh went up to pay. At this point I am trying to remember how much our renters insurance deductible is, and really hoping that I sprung for the $250 over $500. Then as Josh returns to the table, my diamond is laying on the floor by the table. Whew! The waiter returned with our white boxes and we told him we would be staying there after all.

The food was good, and although you can't tell in the above picture, I have the sauce al over my face. Josh thought it was funny so he decided to capture it on film uh, i mean SD card.

Thoughts on Prayer

Recently I have been thinking a lot about prayer.

You see a few weeks ago I prayed really hard for something. Maybe more than I have ever prayed about anything. Something was on my heart and caused anxiety so I let that lead me to prayer.

Many people in my life were also praying for something.

I thought "I don't know what I will do if i don't get this something" Really I was asking how my heart would respond. (By heart I am talking about a comprehensive heart = mind, affections, and will.) I wanted my heart to praise the Lord.

Soon my prayers turned from "Lord I want something" to "Lord let me praise you even if I don't get something, but I want something"

I was taking very literally part of Philippians 4:6 by letting my requests be made known to God.

As it was looking more and more like I was not going to get this something I started to question/doubt the power of prayer. This led me to wrestle with the purpose of prayer.

At this point I have not made it to a biblical systematic evaluation how a lot of prayer effects getting what I pray for. I realized that through my desire for something, people in my lifer were encouraged to enter into an intimate communication with God. Something/anything is not nearly as great as this delightful privilege. It hit me hard realizing that I think prayer is mostly about me and not as much about the glory of God.

For the past year I have been really encouraged by Philippians 4, but now I am seeing it differently. Paul is not saying to pray so that God gives us what we want, but to pray in response to anxiety. With prayer, anxiety is unnecessary.

Well I didn't get this something. I don't know if the true response of my heart was praise. My heart is thankful for what I am learning through it, but my mind is still trying to communicate with my emotions that this is not God's best for us, so I shouldn't want it.

One positive note, I got an almost free vacation to palm springs that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

Sunny Palm Springs

Really we are in Palm Desert. It is just a little south and east of Palm Springs, but just as lovely.

The plan for the day includes sun and pool and books. I brought two books for school that I will finish.

If you need me today, this is where I'll be.

Alright, I'm here.

I know, it's been months. Something about this morning has me in a reflective state of mind. Although I have a massive amount of reading to do, it can wait a few more minutes.

It is bright and sunny outside. I don't know what the temperature is or if the wind is howling, but sipping my vanilla almond tea this morning was quite peaceful.

Maybe one of the things that has kept me from blogging is that so much has changed in the past oh say 10 months and that is not the stuff I want to write about. I guess I feel a need for an update. Well too bad you're not getting one, at least a thorough one.

I have officially started on a Master's program. Yesterday I finished my first book and it was a good one to start with. Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. It was an easy read and was perfect for me right now. This morning I set a few goals of what I want to get through today. Eight chapters and a few journal articles. I am too scared to start anything I have to actually thoroughly review because I haven't written a paper in over five years.

Well I did it. I blogged again. Next time I won't let so much time go by before I reappear.

The Countdown

Josh promised me he would take me to Six Flags Magic Mountain. After begging for Thursday off, we drove down to Santa Clarita on Wednesday night and woke up and headed to the park. We decided to eat a nice breakfast so that we wouldn't have to buy and insane park food. Eat breakfast, skip lunch, and eat dinner; that was our plan. The place we stopped for breakfast was "the best breakfast in town" according to the sign. Our plan might have worked a little better if the food was decent. Why would i desire to finish eating a breakfast burrito when McDonalds would have surpassed it's quality? Off to the park.

It was hot. I am so not used to hot weather. I started sweating standing in the first line. We were waiting for X2. The first roller coaster which also happened to be my favorite. We entered into the row for our seats and I started getting REALLY nervous. Oh well, we were in the back... or so I though. Oh wait on this ride the back becomes the front. Oops. Holy Cow my heart was pounding. We got strapped in our seats, I took my glasses of and told Josh that I loved him. The next two minutes were a blind blur. I did not open my eyes until we slowed down at the end. It was CRAZY. The seats can rotate 360 degrees so you get flipped around as you are going along on the track.

Next on to another roller coaster, then another, then another. We road only roller coasters and still didn't make it to two of them. At about 5:30 I was pooped. Josh and I sat down at a table to rest. I laid my head back onto another chair, and was instantly out. Josh said I slept for about 15 minutes. This is funny because my dad always sleeps at amusement parks. We joke that if you can't find Dad look for the sleeping man on the park bench. So my family got to make fun of me. I can blame being in the sun, hot and hungry.

We finally decided that we needed to ride X2 again and hit the road. I needed to experience this ride with my eyes open. Let me tell you ...so much better when you can see. It was so much fun. Josh and I had a great time enjoying an adventure. He looked at me at one point and said "For not being an adventurous person, you are very adventurous." This is so true. I am afraid of everything, but love crazy roller coasters and have made some pretty major moves in my life.

We left the park at about 8:30 and headed to our favorite chain greek restaurant that we don't have in Monterey. As Josh drove down to Pasadena, I was having dreams of being on a roller coaster. I was almost awake, but with every turn in the road was a turn on the ride.

The Nerve

It is almost 1 am and I can't sleep. I think it might have to do with the nap I took this afternoon. It doesn't help that I am furious. Here is my story in a nut shell. This is 100% true. No exaggerations. Promise.

My boss told me that I am insensitive for only giving 3 1/2 weeks notice. That's right. The same company who gave Josh no notice whatsoever. She told me I should have called as soon as I found out I was moving. Keep in mind that we still don't have a contract signed, plane tickets bought, visas, a place to live... She knew Josh was laid off (because she announced to my department without my permission or knowledge). Was I supposed to call her and say, "hey we might be moving, Josh is looking for another job?" That seems pretty obvious to me! One of the many funny things about this is that I asked our HR Training and Professional manager if I should discuss it with her and she said that by no means did I have to. Basically I felt persuaded to only give the standard two weeks, but because my coworker was leaving I gave more time. Another thing is that one of the three people that gave notice in less than a week gave less that two weeks notice. She wasn't told she was being insensitive.

By the strength of God I stood up to her. I expressed to her in a professional manner the MANY points I had about the situation. What still angers me though is that nothing penetrated her selfishness. She still thinks I did something wrong. I am praying for direction, peace and the ability to forgive her.